CLEAR EYES, FULL HEARTS, CAN'T LOSE!

For the first 120 days of my sobriety, I seriously didn't know what to do with myself! I will say those first4 months were scary; I didn't feel that "pink cloud" like most people do in recovery. The pink cloud feeling came years down the road for me. During these early months, I had to figure out how I was going to tell my friends and family I wasn't going to be drinking anymore. Except my
Alcoholism, a figure "who the sober me was going to be" the list went on, and the emotions were high.
I remember Matt(my then boyfriend who is now my husband) telling me I needed to find a hobby. Excuse? "I had hobbies" is what I told him but when he asked, "like what" I had no response! My hobby was drinking, but I wouldn't know that till months down the road when I awakened to what my true reality was for over a decade. I took to Google, yep! I fucking google hobbies(HA) and a list of hobbies popped up, and I slowly began to read each line and thought if I would like that hobby or not. So crafting came up and I figured that would be great, do something with my hands! Matt and I took to Michael's and walked thru the store trying to come up with things to make. We made our way into the section of Mod Podge, and the idea would come to his mind of me Mod Podging shit. I left the store with Mod Podge, picture frames and some of the decorative paper people use for scrapbooking. For many months and years after that first night, this store and I would become two peas in a pod. Thank god Matt is artistic and grew up with a mother who did these types of things with her children. That was his normal and something I learned from him and thanked goodness I did because it saved me in those months and showed me there were other things to do besides drink. I didn't grow up with parents doing arts and crafts, that wasn't our family dynamic. I was depressed for most of my childhood and teenage years, from about 7 to 18 years old. I lacked the attention from my parents who divorced when I was 7, and I found comfort in Television. So besides drinking, you could consider TV is watching my hobby. I still love my shows, but now in my recovery life, I have found many more hobbies along the way. Baking, reading, writing, coloring, gardening(I try) and of course crafting.
I would come home that night from Michael's and I set my craft area up which was my coffee table, and I had Matt show me what to do, how much Mod Podge I needed on the paper and frames. I asked him some basic questions, and I was on my way to becoming the best god dam crafter this side of the Mississippi. Of course, I needed some back ground entertainment, and for months my girlfriend was telling me to watch "Friday Night Lights" so I pressed play. My god, Coach Taylor is LIFE!! That show is amazing if you haven't watched it yet, it has all the feels and more. For four months, I made pictures frames and watched Friday Night Lights and wouldn't have had it any other way. Not every night I was doing this but on the weekends, especially on FRIDAY nights! This is where you could find me. I needed to find something positive to do, to replace the activity I use to do for years! Replace a behavior with another one, just make sure when it comes finding a hobby its a healthy one. This is probably the one thing I could recommend to anyone who is having problems with finding things to do in recovery. Start small. Don't worry so much about the social aspect of it, in the beginning that will come. Lay the foundation down and figure out what sober life will look like for you. Think of all the projects that I'm sure to need to get done because us addicts neglected them for years that will keep you busy. When I would be creating my masterpiece picture frame, I wouldn't think about drinking because I was being creative and focusing on something else! Watching Coach Taylor, Riggins, Saracen and all the rest of Dillon High School win football games and figure out life in their teens.. this also took my focus off that constant thought of "really, I'm never going to drink again, but I'm turning 30 soon" There is a motto in FNL, and it is used as a pick me up or whenever Coach T was getting the team ready for a game and the motto is.. Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose. That phrase has always stuck with me. When life gets difficult, my addiction starts to creep up on me or FEAR enters in my path I simply repeat that motto to myself. I know if I made those first 120 days of quitting two addictions, losing the lady that was my rock and excepting that I was an alcoholic and life was going to continue without me drinking in it.I know I can do anything!!
If you're ever having a day and it all seems like it's going to shit, remember not to give up, and you can get thru another day!! It's possible and repeat after me...

CLEAR EYES, FULL HEARTS, CAN'T LOSE!!!